competing for attention

In the 1970s, Sociologist Charles Derber studied interaction in social circumstances and how people behave and compete for attention. He observed that there were two types of responses in conversations (Shift and Support). The Shift response where person A diverts the attention away from person B back onto themselves rather than acknowledging or responding to what person B is saying. Person A is pushing their own agenda, eroding the ability to connect. On the other hand, the Support response is where person A encourages person B to elaborate so they can understand the situation/ person B’s experience and enable a deeper connection. Another way to think about these responses and the tension created when there is a shift response is to consider the behaviour of two magnets. They attract or repel by a magnetic field. Where magnets repel from each other there is an invisible force that keeps them apart. You can feel the physical resistance between the magnets as they fail to connect. Consider this in the context of listening and a shift response and it can be representative of when two people focus on separate agendas, their own self-interests, and neither of them take the time or opportunity to understand each other or align. Left unchecked, the relationship becomes distant, distrust breeds, connection breaks and doubt in each other’s intention starts to grow. To foster a support response, seek opportunities to collaborate rather than dominate. Avoid feeding your own need to show what you know and can do. Instead, get curious about what others know and are capable of.

There is another key component of effective listening that we must not ignore. Silence. It is no surprise that when you take the letters that spell the word LISTEN and mix them up, the same letters spell the word SILENT. Embracing silence in conversations allows the time and space for others to gather their thoughts and prepare to authentically share. Holding the silence without jumping in to fill the gap can often feel awkward. It can feel uncomfortable, yet it is so powerful in conversations. Give people space to be listened to, really listened to and they may choose to share information that until that moment they have kept to themselves. It can be both empowering and enlightening for them. Silence enables people to follow through with their train of thoughts, share and organise their conscious stream of internal dialogue. All within a safe environment without judgement.